I make these friendly guest appearances and then disappear for weeks, only to resurface and then again get back into my shell. I know, that’s not a nice thing to do but work committments keep me occupied…afterall ‘paapi pet ka sawaal hai’. Pet? I’m hungry…let me see what I can eat.
Hell! There’s nothing. Well, technically speaking, there is everything but I eat don’t eat anything of that everything. Makes sense? I’ll try to explain.
I was born a very skinny child. I have always been underweight, never really loved food or the entire thing of eating it. I’m a ‘ghaas-poos’ eating vegetarian so that gives me fewer options than those who gorge dead animals. My earliest memory of my mom is she telling me to eat xyz food and my latest memory of her this morning is also of her telling me to eat some xyz (these are 2 different xyzs). I could never eat well and survived for a long time on chocolates and biscuits. I am still a few kilos below the weight range that I should be in and I attribute my state to the following:
1. Mattar Aloo (peas and potatoes in gravy) – This dish should be banned. I wonder why vegetarians love it so much. To make it worse, add or subsitute aloo with some paneer and make it even more disgusting by calling it MATTAR PANEER. Mattar is meant for pelting pesky neighbours, not for eating.
2. Mysore Pak – I know I’ve made a good choice here and have your support for blacklisting this sweet dish. Mysore Pak looks like pumice stone which could be used to scrub and scratch human intestines. Not edible.
3. Bhendi (okra or lady’s finger) – Euw. If bhendi was a worm, it would have done justice to its look and slimy nature. One of the tragedies of my life is that my brother loves bhendi and me being the elder (sensible or expected to be sensible) sibling have to keep mum, not throw a tantrum nor be fussy with food. So the day he has his weekly off, mom makes bhendi. I sometimes wish he worked 7 days a week.
4. Toorie (a distant relative of zucchini) – Life makes no sense to me, I just accept it. Just like the fact that everything healthy is green and tastes like …….. to me. I’d eat everything vegetarian and edible but not TOORIE. I threw up once when I had it.
5. Doodhi (Gourd) – I used to love doodhi..like 95yrs ago when I had jaundice. In my diseased state, I couldn’t mange anything else. So, doodhi it was. But it became such an overdose, I started hating it. I have those similar feelings of hatred till date.
6. Gawar (who cares what it means) – Less said the better. Its a sorry excuse for a vegetable. No more comments.
7. Dahi (Curds) – I hate anything which has malai. Dahi has loads of it. Also known as yoghurt. I don’t mind if its a raita ie beaten curds with some safe looking additions and accompaniments.
8. Karela (Bitter Gourd) – The most hated vegetable…1 bite and its venom makes me do bharat natyam with my face..and you call that food?
9. Halwa – I’m referring to those rubbery, sweet meat cubes. As a kid, I used to wonder why one would eat rubber. Now, I still think the same. Rubber can be used for other things, you know 😉
10. Shepoo (Sooa ??!!??) – Disgusting to the very fibre that makes it organic. Tastless, characterless and everything less with this vegetable. My bad luck again, it’s very nutritious
My feelings about some of the rest:
Baigan (egg plant) – Yes, may be..I wonder what’s bad about this.
Tomatoes – Can be thrown at people
Jackfruit – Looks like a weapon of mass destruction
Spinach – I’m not popeye
Drumsticks – Nothing to do with music..would get me into a musically foul mood if i had some
Butter – No
Paneer (Cottage cheese) – A bigger No
Ghee – The biggest NOO
Apples – Boring
Rice – Too tedious
Methi (Fenugreek leaves) – hmm, not too bad
Turnips – Not bad
French beans – Ok as a salad, not as a dish by itself
Carrots – Ok as juice
Cauliflower – Reminds me of chicken in disguise – tauba! That’s non-veg!
Cabbage – One-a-cabbage…a silly vegetable with so much baggage – not a bad rhyme, na?
Beetroot – Beetroot mithai looks like something unmentionable
This doesn’t mean I don’t eat any of the above, I do but with a very tragic face and out of compulsion. Basically, I like sabudana khichdi, pastries, mithais, dry fruits, watermelons, litchis, pasta, cheese, corn and mushrooms. I hate people being disrespectful towards food… I don’t throw tantrums for food as I’ve said before but my inner self diagnoses these eatables this way. Why does everything nutritious have to taste bad?!? *ponders on this thought…and also on the meaning of life*
Next time anyone invites me to a meal, please make a note of these points 🙂
ps: Potatoes rule!